I’m gonna to play some guitar, that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna drag myself through the mud, yeah, gonna throw it on you. I’m gonna make some sense, by the time I’m through. I’m gonna… no I can’t lose!
I am very excited about music these days. I’ve cleared up a lot of conflicts in my mind recently which has really helped my motivation level. As things slip into place I feel a greater desire to perfect my ability and apply it in a more recognizable way. I just stopped giving a fuck about what I’m supposed to be doing – conceptions of normalcy in someone else’s brain – somewhere along the path, which has calmed me considerably. As I relax more it becomes easier to be creative and to reflect upon that creativity positively. That’s important to me; it’s too easy to constantly criticize one’s creations to the point of counter-productivity.
I definitely care more about my reflections on my creations more than I care about those of anyone else. After all, it’s supposed to represent something to me, and the fun for everyone else comes from looking at it from their lens.
Oh yeah, and Neil Young is the shit! Keep on rockin in the free world!
Sometimes I am awkward and lame. Originally, I went on; but that’s all.
I don’t let anything control me, not even sleep!! Yeah!!! Fuck sleep!!!
Ok but really, I just didn’t want to end my day yesterday so it turned into today and now we are here. Ok, I am here while you are likely sleeping. Or waking up, but chances are you are not on this blog.
I watched like 20 episodes of The Office (season two). Shit.
I’m locked in a room! The lock is on the inside! AHHHHHHH! Do we even stop to consider the pros and cons of having a cell phone? Or is it a foregone conclusion that we all need one? Until recently I never thought about it. But wouldn’t one miss out on a lot of going-ons? Wouldn’t you take more control of your life if you didn’t have those distractions? Hmm.
I’m sick again. This time is worse than a two day ‘under the weather’ feeling. I’ve got a terrible cough and my lungs hurt. BRAND NEW UPDATED INFLUENZA VERSION H1N1 COMING TO YOU FREE OF CHARGE. (This announcement brought to you by the media.) Haven’t people been dying from the flu since… the flu has existed? NO! RUN! Okay Mr., I need you to tone down the agitation level a bit.
My little brother had a girl over today. He now official gets more action than I do (and that’s not even really action, yet). Upon this realization, I suddenly imagined a cozy cabin along the coast of Oregon, nestled amongst the rocks and giant pine trees. Man I could go there. I could live like that – away from it all – and be at peace. BUT WUT ‘BOUT DAT CHRONIC SMOKE??
I’ve been playing guitar rather regularly this past week. And (GGAGASP!) I’m getting much better (relatively)! Maybe there is something to be said for dedication to one craft, one way of life, or completing one task set in front of you. Addiction, it may not be healthy but it can make you money. And since when has the system lent proper consideration to your health? I should play more guitar, more regularly and for longer amounts of time.
Free write.
I have two sleeping bags. One has a broken zipper and falls apart at the beginning of the zipper. The other was discovered in a cooler incubating in what I have determined through my olfactories to be pond water (or something of similarly bad scent).
I leave in 22.5 hours for a four day hiking extravangza near Lutsen, MN – average nighttime temperature in the low to mid 40s. Perfect timing!
I’ve got a big weekend planned and a lot of planning yet to do for the hiking trip that commences this coming Wednesday. Tomorrow I will be attending Billy’s graduation party, an event I’m excited for. I haven’t seen my friend in a while and it will be good to touch base with him, especially now my head is a little clearer! :)
Saturday is a musical celebration, as the gSPOT is practicing once more. We will share our love-sweat with youuuuu.
Sunday is KYssie’s burfaday. I hope she doesn’t barf on me.
After this weekend and the trip, I’m going to be taking on the role of enforcer. This is going to be great for my guitar playing. I have several fun but un-creative pursuits I’m working on as we speak (in break-mode right now). Here’s to not chalking this up as another abandoned endeavor (we’ve had enough of that, haven’t we blarg fish??!!??). :D
These pursuits haven’t gone undocumented and I do believe even the semi-clever soul can make educated guesses.
I want to talk about my day. I’m making every effort to go about this without expressing unjustifiable complaints, without making vaguely implicit allusions, and certainly without engendering any sense I have some sort of superior insight into this matter, because truthfully I am writing about the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life so far (which is certainly not related to my education; I am constantly learning and will earn my piece of paper soon enough). I’m certainly not looking for sympathy. I want to be responsible for this. I’m also going to toe a fine line between properly explaining myself and keeping my guts secured from spillage (or try to). :)
Today was stressful. Since the night previous, I have been brooding. If I may, I would like to blame Fyodor Dostoyevsky in part for both sparking this introspective streak and for inspiring me to write this as eloquently as possible (he has an truly awesome ability to write), having just finished reading The Brothers Karamazov.
This all began with a close inspection of some events in my past.
I’ve abandoned people. There is traceable evidence of this in examining my past. I’m not referring to the natural human tendency to seek out those who enhance one’s ability to express oneself, “experimentation” with different personalities as it may be. Perhaps there exist people who have, without error, discovered their ideal group and have no need to drift amongst the company of others. I doubt it though, and I do not envy those people if they do exist. I have found the multitude of different personalities operating on my life perspective one of my defining qualities. It is unfortunate that a great many people are unable to objectively explore different lifestyles.
This abandonment I speak of is not related, then, to the diverse groups of people I have spent different periods of my life with. This has to do with specific people.
First, but I restrain myself from saying ‘and foremost’, I have abandoned my family for a time. I missed all of my family members’ previous two birthdays. I was here, in the same geographical location, but I was not present to celebrate these occasions. But I must take a quick step back.
I did not qualify this example as the foremost for a reason, one which I am not sure I can fully explain here without losing sight of my objective (or that I understand myself enough to fully explain it no matter my writing constraints). Family means something different to me. It exists in the way you understand it, and I realize how that is. It means something different to me. There is a bond amongst family, one that I appreciate. There is also something there which terrifies me. There is this nameless behemoth that exists in our world, one that I do not understand fully, but one that scares me more than anything I have attempted to comprehend.
I’ve already begun to drift off into a discussion I wish not to explore further at this time. I’m not ready for it, so I can only beg you to accept this one vagary of thought and move on with me.
Lately, I have been making ever-strengthening efforts to be accepted into the good graces of my family. I’m glad of this, though I have made a mistake in these efforts already. My folly lies in the nature of those graces. It is not a position that is simply earned, it must be given from mutual understanding and love. I haven’t worked up the courage to ask for it yet, but I’m making improvements.
The foremost concern, but alas I’m going to be intensely vague here because I must, is the real source of all these thoughts. Naturally, I became aware of it at the end, hence I chose to place it here at the end. There is another.
My youthful exuberance blinded me as I was propelled forward into an experience which required me to be conscious and fully aware of my surroundings. I made several mistakes. It should be noted, however, that one can make many mistakes and still recover from them if they are realized before opportunity escapes, as it often does, fickle thing it is!
In truth, I recovered from the mistakes I made. The levee was repaired, saved from collapse – the flow of water halted, the tide stemmed.
I then grabbed the main support and ripped it asunder, turned my back and walked away, as if I were justified in making such a destructive act reality. I gazed into my own heart, saw both the essence of love and that of spite and chose the latter. What the fuck was I thinking?
I have realized and accepted my folly as mine alone. I know what to do, and I’m going to do it as best I can, hoping capricious opportunity has not stole away from me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I fail.
I’m fucking cranky and it’s because I haven’t had a cigarette in a long time (relative to how addicted I am to them – the 12th of August was the last time you curious motherfuckers).
This experience has taught me there is no guarantee that you can control everything in your life. Also, it has taught me that I want to control everything in my life. I’m going to listen to Helter Skelter now. Peace.
“I hate poker” – Phil Hellmuth
“That movie was original; I liked it” – Anthony Schwab @ District 9
I’m am not a lyricist.
I’ve been wondering how to occupy my time this weekend that doesn’t involve partying; I have discovered the metronome.
Implied pot odds and betting before the flop are things to think about.
I’m barrelling headlong into a crazy endeavor, but I know it’s crazy and I’m okay with that, so I guess I have the best possible position to attempt it.
