blarg fish??!!?!

I want to talk about my day. I’m making every effort to go about this without expressing unjustifiable complaints, without making vaguely implicit allusions, and certainly without engendering any sense I have some sort of superior insight into this matter, because truthfully I am writing about the biggest mistake I’ve made in my life so far (which is certainly not related to my education;  I am constantly learning and will earn my piece of paper soon enough). I’m certainly not looking for sympathy. I want to be responsible for this. I’m also going to toe a fine line between properly explaining myself and keeping my guts secured from spillage (or try to). :)

Today was stressful. Since the night previous, I have been brooding. If I may, I would like to blame Fyodor Dostoyevsky in part for both sparking this introspective streak and for inspiring me to write this as eloquently as possible (he has an truly awesome ability to write), having just finished reading The Brothers Karamazov.

This all began with a close inspection of some events in my past.

I’ve abandoned people. There is traceable evidence of this in examining my past. I’m not referring to the natural human tendency to seek out those who enhance one’s ability to express oneself, “experimentation” with different personalities as it may be. Perhaps there exist people who have, without error, discovered their ideal group and have no need to drift amongst the company of others. I doubt it though, and I do not envy those people if they do exist. I have found the multitude of different personalities operating on my life perspective one of my defining qualities. It is unfortunate that a great many people are unable to objectively explore different lifestyles.

This abandonment I speak of is not related, then, to the diverse groups of people I have spent different periods of my life with. This has to do with specific people.

First, but I restrain myself from saying ‘and foremost’, I have abandoned my family for a time. I missed all of my family members’ previous two birthdays. I was here, in the same geographical location, but I was not present to celebrate these occasions. But I must take a quick step back.

I did not qualify this example as the foremost for a reason, one which I am not sure I can fully explain here without losing sight of my objective (or that I understand myself enough to fully explain it no matter my writing constraints). Family means something different to me. It exists in the way you understand it, and I realize how that is. It means something different to me. There is a bond amongst family, one that I appreciate. There is also something there which terrifies me. There is this nameless behemoth that exists in our world, one that I do not understand fully, but one that scares me more than anything I have attempted to comprehend.

I’ve already begun to drift off into a discussion I wish not to explore further at this time. I’m not ready for it, so I can only beg you to accept this one vagary of thought and move on with me.

Lately, I have been making ever-strengthening efforts to be accepted into the good graces of my family. I’m glad of this, though I have made a mistake in these efforts already. My folly lies in the nature of those graces. It is not a position that is simply earned, it must be given from mutual understanding and love. I haven’t worked up the courage to ask for it yet, but I’m making improvements.

The foremost concern, but alas I’m going to be intensely vague here because I must, is the real source of all these thoughts. Naturally, I became aware of it at the end, hence I chose to place it here at the end. There is another.

My youthful exuberance blinded me as I was propelled forward into an experience which required me to be conscious and fully aware of my surroundings. I made several mistakes. It should be noted, however, that one can make many mistakes and still recover from them if they are realized before opportunity escapes, as it often does, fickle thing it is!

In truth, I recovered from the mistakes I made. The levee was repaired, saved from collapse – the flow of water halted, the tide stemmed.

I then grabbed the main support and ripped it asunder, turned my back and walked away, as if I were justified in making such a destructive act reality. I gazed into my own heart, saw both the essence of love and that of spite and chose the latter. What the fuck was I thinking?

I have realized and accepted my folly as mine alone. I know what to do, and I’m going to do it as best I can, hoping capricious opportunity has not stole away from me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I fail.